The  following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door..... 
Dear Dogs  and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your  food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Placing a  paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim  for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically  pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by  NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Racing me to the bottom is not  the object.  Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster  than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king  sized bed. I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will  continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however, Dogs  and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It is  not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to  the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails  straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to  maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time,  there is no secret exit from the bathroom!   If, by some  miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not  necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw  under the edge in an attempt to open the door.   I must exit  through the same door I entered.   I have been using the  bathroom by myself for years - your attendance is not  required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first.   Then go smell the other dog’s or cat's butt.  I cannot  stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have  posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL  NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR  PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't  want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.   That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.(3) I like my pets a  lot better than I like most people.(4) To you, they are animals.   To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy,  walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and  cats are easier than kids because they:(1) eat less,(2)  don't ask for money all the time,(3) simpler to train(well. most  of the time),(4) normally come when called,(5) never ask to  drive the car,(6) don't smoke or drink,(7) aren’t interested  in wearing your clothes,(8) don't have to buy the latest  fashions,(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and  finally,(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.